12 Ways To Raise Money For Expensive Vinyl"> 12 Ways To Raise Money For Expensive Vinyl"> 12 Ways To Raise Money For Expensive Vinyl">
We've all been there. We all know the feeling. That rare record you've been after for years has suddenly surfaced on Discogs, in near mint condition no less. No marks on the vinyl. Plays perfectly. The cover barely looks like it's been touched. You can practically smell it on your turntable.
The only problem is the price:
Four hundred dollars, not including shipping.
Well. Fuck. It might as well be four thousand dollars.
You go to explain to your partner (if you're still lucky enough to have one at this point; record collectors have a higher split-up rate than Hollywood actors) why this particular release is so important. Why you must absolutely buy it without hesitation. "Oh, is it another Peruvian first pressing of The Beatles' Please Please Me LP?" they ask, not knowing that you'd already spunked $100 on that release last month and it's sitting on your shelf amongst your other prized possessions.
"Haha no no no," you reply jovially in order to make them feel at ease. "No. But it's the last one I need to complete the set. And it's cheaper than it usually is, like half the price. I've never seen it available in this condition for a price as low as this before."
All the while, thinking "please don't ask how much, please don't ask how much..."
"It can be my birthday present." No response from them. You sense danger. "And also my Christmas present. A joint present to go with the joint roast haha." A flicker at the sides of their mouth: your charm has won them over yet again, but how many times can you keep this up? How many times? The thought keeps you awake at night, along with the monetary strain of your habit: the cost of vinyl stacks up quicker than an obese teenager at Pancake House. Bills, food and rent isn't free, and you can't eat records - not comfortably anyway - so how are you going to afford this latest purchase?
Stupid bloody expensive records. Fuck you.
Sound familiar? It should do and if it doesn't then it'll come soon enough. It's the dilemma we worshipers of wax have all faced or will face at one time or another. But don't worry! As a well-seasoned, middle-aged collector of vinyl with over 1300 records weighing down my shelves, I have devised several ways you can get the money together to fund your filthy, record-buying addiction that will ultimately destroy your life and the lives of everyone around you but hey let's not think about that and awaaaaay we go!
STEAL PRICELESS FAMILY HEIRLOOMS
Your great-great-grandfather's military sword. Your aunt's jewellery box. Your child's college fund. Ripe pickings for the discerning record collector.
STOP IMPORTING EXPENSIVE CHEESE FROM AROUND THE WORLD
It's up to you: the expensive cheese you're importing from other countries or putting that money into your record collection. If you're choosing the cheese - that delicious, beautiful cheese - then you're on the wrong website.
Cheese. Delicious but expensive to import.
SELL YOUR BODY TO MEDICAL SCIENCE
Shit in a bucket for a couple of weeks while doctors probe your veins after dosing you with an exciting new untested drug. Will you hallucinate or have a stroke? Who knows, but that's half the fun! And at the end of it all they slap some money in your bank account and you promise not to sue them. Treat yourself with that first edition UK pressing of David Bowie's Changes 7" and try to ignore the fact that you've had diarrhea for ten days straight.
SELL AN ORGAN ON THE BLACK MARKET
It is perfectly possible to live with just one kidney, and no-one said it had to be your kidney.
ONLY GO TO THE TOILET WHILE AT WORK
You'll be surprised how much money you spend at home on soap, toilet paper and fragrant towelettes over the course of a year. Luckily your place of work - assuming you have one of course - is a veritable goldmine of savings. Only pee & poo during working hours and see the pennies pile up! Added bonus: the liquid handsoap is just sitting there. It's almost as if they're asking you to take it home!
Workshit. A different type of productivity.
STOP BUYING PROPHYLACTICS
Why spend ten bucks on a packet of condoms when you can convince your partner to take responsibility instead? And if they refuse and convince you that you should be the one who forks out the cash then just remember that there are cheaper alternatives to birth control than Titans and Durex: a plastic bag & rubber band combo. Any bag will do (except the ones with the small holes in the bottom), although a bag for life - while more environmentally friendly - will probably reduce the natural sensation of love-making due to its thickness. Avoid tote bags altogether.
Washing-up liquid can also double-up as a shower gel! Sanitary pads soaked in fabric softener make great replacements for Femfresh sheets! Ferment fruit in the bath and make your own liquor! Drink directly out of the kettle! Use bedsheets as curtains, or vice-versa! Learn to enjoy the taste of moss instead of normal food! You can wear trashbags!
STOP USING ELECTRICITY
Energy bills are expensive so stop using electricity unless it's to play records, buy records or sell stuff on the internet in order to buy more records ("essential energy usage").
Sell your body. Get that cash. Try to be more like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and meet the rich, charming man / woman of your dreams and ride off into the sunset with them, and less like Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy by having your pimp die next to you on a bus.
This could be you.
BUY AND PLANT SOME MAGIC BEANS
Although this will only work if you have a cow to take to market in the first place.
BECOME THE HEAD OF A MAJOR DRUG CARTEL
This one may take some time - possibly years - but by the end of it you will have enough money to buy whatever records you want, not to mention all the cocaine you can fit in your nose. Talk with a silly accent and threaten people with chainsaws. Be rude in restaurants. Treat everyone around you like crap. Go out in a blaze of glory. Yes I watched Scarface recently.
"What do you mean, 'someone else has just bid on that mint copy of Paul McCartney & The Frog Chorus' 7" single 'We All Stand Together'?!"
SELL SOME OF YOUR RECORD COLLECTION
You'll make some money AND free up some room for your new acquisitions haha okay okay obviously I'm kidding "sell some of your record collection" haha like we'd actually fucking do that hahaha Jesus.
- Mark Anthony Finch
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