Christ was quite the chap wasn't he? He could walk on water. He didn't mind touching lepers. And he REALLY liked fish. People were so enamoured with his beard that they not only gave him extra presents on his birthday but they also decided to change the name of the winter solstice from Yule to Christmas. "Christmas" being, of course, an amalgamation of the words 'Christ' and 'Mess' (in fact, we've been pronouncing it wrong for centuries. It's 'Christ's Mess' and most of us didn't even know it). Of course Yule (full name: Bernard Yule), was quite upset at first that his birthday had been superseded, but it turned out that he was a huge fan of loaves so it all worked out.
A couple of thousand years later people still eat fish & bread and like beards, and now we also have Christmas songs for some reason. I've always wondered if this was some weird guilt thing because, despite really liking this Christ guy and his beard, we kind of murdered him by nailing him to a tree. This cannot just be a coincidence. My grandmother sings when she's agitated or worried or feeling bad, and I think Christmas Songs are sung for the same reason. Feeling guilty and / or anxious? Why not whistle a merry tune and make people think that everything's fine? Burnt the turkey? Whistle "Little Drummer Boy." Trying to ignore the family row over dad's crippling gambling addiction and possibly true allegations of sexual abuse? "I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas" has your back. But if 2020 has proven anything, it's that everything is not fine. It's really not. And I know it's not, because I'm humming Jingle Bells as I type this.
So, the flaming, election-rigging, mask-wearing, diseased elephant in the room: 2020. If you've survived so far - which you must have done if you're reading this - then well done. It's been quite the struggle hasn't it? Christ's Mess (or whatever holiday name you would like to call this time of year) should be the break we all need - hell, we all deserve - after this omnifuck of a cluster-shamble. Bring on the booze and food I say, and don't hold back on the gravy. JUST POUR IT INTO MY GAPING MOUTH. Oh the world is burning, both literally and metaphorically? Put on the Christmas music: I'm going to dance until I cry.
I wonder what Christ would think of all this if he were around now? Would he be too busy showing off at swanky parties with his water-to-wine tricks and numerous fish ors d'oeuvres to notice, totally buying into the shallow middle-class lifestyle that we thought we'd left behind in the 80s but actually secretly followed us into the 21st century like a cancerous cell hiding from the scalpel during a tumour removal only to grow into a 4kg beast that makes it difficult to breathe? Or perhaps he's on social media right now, having an argument with a Twitter Bot called Dave098889987793 about how he's NOT a Communist and that Socialism is quite different from Communism actually and besides, what's wrong with just wanting to help people? And the Twitter Bot called Dave098889987793 just replies to him with a gif of David from Schitt's Creek but in a totally ironic way, and Christ just gives up and puts on his Christmas Hits album to stop the urge to hang himself. But the problem is that he's heard all the songs on it before, many many times. Too many times. And that rope is looks pretty tempting, particularly when Paul McCartney starts singing about having a wonderful- aah fuck, too late. He's already dead. Thanks Paul McCartney, your utterly mediocre yet overplayed Christmas song murdered Jesus.
Cheese: Delicious but rarely served at one of Christ's dinner parties.
The problem with Christ's Mess / Holiday music is that it's usually always the same old shit. John Lennon banging on about war being over (it isn't), or a super band featuring most of the popular artists of the mid-80s singing the obvious (of course
there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas - it's Africa
). You've heard them every Christmas and you know you'll hear them every other Christmas too. And it's boring. So very, very boring.
Well, this year, we've got you covered. Each member of our team selected several of our own personal favourite "Christmas tunes" that were slightly less mainstream than your Bing Crosby's and Chris Rea's. And then I - that is, me - compiled them into a delicious two-and-a-half hour alternative Christmas mix called "Our Alternative Christmas Mix!"
Containing a veritable smorgasbord of genres, from funk to punk, metal to motown, J-Pop to jazz rock and even some avant-garde to ambient (not to mention one or two video game soundtracks), the mix is
our way of saying thank you.
Thank you for supporting us over this utter ball-bag of a year. Thank you for being patient with us when some of our releases were delayed. Thank you for putting up with the slow delivery service and, while we're on the subject, thank you
to the postal workers who still carried out their duties during the effluence-hurricane of 2020 (without them, no-one would be getting their boutique media deliveries at all), and thank you for just being awesome and surviving and not murdering everyone around you, tempting as it may have been (or, at the very least, not getting caught murdering everyone around you).
You can listen to Our Alternative Christmas Mix! right here,
or by using the handy widget below! It's completely free to stream, so listen to it as many times as your stomach will allow. I've put the tracklist at the bottom of the page in case you wondering what the hell songs these are, but as usual I would advise going in blind for your first listen.
Oh, and let us not forget, on the 25th of December or whenever it was, over 2000 years ago, Christ made his first mess. And from there on in, we have celebrated Christ's Mess on this day. So enjoy Christ's Mess, as he did, whether you are giving or receiving, participating in a mass mess in church, or just looking at some of Christ's Mess on the internet. Perhaps you are looking forward to stuffing a bird, or pulling crackers at the dinner table while everyone watches. I personally love pulling one off at the table (best enjoyed a couple of hours at least after stuffing a bird), although let us give pause for those less fortunate than us who have no-one to pull off with, and have to pull one off by themselves. Maybe you don't celebrate Christ's Mess at all but do celebrate another denominational holiday. Well, that's fine too. There's enough Mess for all.
Merry Christ's Mess everyone. xoxo
Our Alternative Christmas Mix!
--- Mark Anthony Finch
WSTS Picaroon Platters Radio
1. Mrs. Miller - Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (Intro) [The Organ Of Corti's Miller On Mushrooms Mix]
2. "Weird Al" Yankovic - Christmas At Ground Zero
3. Bad News - Cashing In On Christmas
4. Eels - Christmas Is Going To The Dogs
5. Darlene Love - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
6. The Goodies - Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me
7. The Qualities - It's Christmas Time
8. Mrs. Miller - Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
9. John Denver - Please Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas
10. The Vandals - Oi To The World
11. Devo - Merry Something To You
12. James Brown - Go Power At Christmas Time
13. James White - Christmas With Satan
14. Blink 182 - Happy Holidays, You Bastard
15. Yoko Shimomura - Happy Holidays!
16. The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping
17. Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To Rule The World
18. Barnes & Barnes - I'm A Christmas Tree
19. Thomas Howard - Silent Hill
20. The Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick
21. Caramell - Caramelldansen [Christmas Version]
22. Aya Hisakawa (Sailor Mercury) - Jingle Bells
23. The Lonely Island feat. Justin Timberlake - Dick In A Box
24. Koppi Mizrahi - Single Bell
25. GG Allin - GG's Xmas Song
26. Tiny Tim - Silent Night
27. Bob Dylan - Must Be Santa
28. Reel Big Fish - Skank For Christmas
29. Margo Guryan - I Don't Intend To Spend Christmas Without You
30. Akim & Teddy Vann - Santa Claus Is A Black Man
31. Monty Python - Alternate Christmas In Heaven Song
32. Christmas NiGHTS - Dream Bells
33. Suicide - Hey Lord
34. Richard Cheese - Imagine
35. Type O Negative - Red Water (Christmas Mourning)
36. Sharon Van Etten - Blue Christmas
37. Joni Mitchell - River
38. Wham! - Last Christmas [Paulstretched 800% Slower]
39. Kevin Bloody Wilson - Hey Santa Claus
40. Monty Python - Christmas In Heaven