Aaah album titles. If there’s one thing that can set the mood for an album it’s the album title (and cover art, actually it’s mostly the cover art but just forget about that for the moment because that’s not the theme of this piece). From the simple to the preposterous to the pretentious to the subtle, sometimes intentionally funny and sometimes not, the album title has been with us as long as the album has… and as some would argue, perhaps longer than that.
I was restlessly flicking through the list of upcoming titles in the world of music the other day and came across a new reissue of Paul McCartney's '97 album Flaming Pie. “Ha,” I said to myself, “there’s an ointment for that.” And suddenly the question exploded in my brain like that grenade in Gene Simmons' mouth at the end of Wanted: Dead Or Alive: are there any other album titles that sound like they might be slang for an STD (or other personal issues one might experience “down there?”). Doing my best Sarah Jessica Parker impression from Sex And The City, I jumped on the bed with my laptop and cracked open a bottle wine. I woke up several hours later with a bad headache and a broken laptop. The bedroom was a mess now. Looking for an excuse not to have to clean up after myself, I went to my desktop computer and did some research…
20 Album Titles That Sound Like Slang For An STD (Or Other “Personal” Issues One Might Experience “Down There”)
Foreigner
"Unusual Heat"
An early-warning sign that something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
Bjork
"Vulnicura"
Vulnicura actually means “cure for wounds” in Latin, but it unfortunately sounds like a course of Thrush treatment.
Bochum Welt
"Seafire"
You need to drink more cranberry juice.
Broadcast
"Tender Buttons"
Never a good sign when your “buttons” are tender.
Elton John
"Honky Chateau"
Doctor: “So I’m just going to take a quick look at your honky chateau.”
Backstreet Boys
"Backstreet Boys"
When that urinary tract gets infected, it becomes Gasoline Alley.
Led Zeppelin
"In Through The Out Door"
Doctor: “So, what kind of pain are you feeling?”
You: “Like something’s trying to go in through the out door.”
Petrol Bastard
"Jihad Trombone"
A nasty swelling.
Doctor: “That’s the worst case of Jihad Trombone I’ve ever seen.”
Pink Floyd
"The Endless River"
This is why incontinence pads were invented.
Joni Mitchell
"Don Juan's Reckless Daughter"
You: “Doctor, I think I may have Chlamydia.”
Doctor: “Okay, I’ll refer you to a gynaecologist so they can take a sample from Don Juan’s Reckless Daughter.”
You: “Do you mean my vagina?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Focus
"Hamburger Concerto"
A description of the aftermath of a particularly nasty anal fissure.
Type O Negative
"October Rust"
It’s that dry itch you just kept on scratching.
Dixie Chicks
"Wide Open Spaces"
When the muscles no longer do their job.
Hall & Oates
"Abandoned Luncheonette"
“I don’t know what’s going on down there but it looks like an abandoned luncheonette.”
Elvis Presley
"Clambake"
When the smell of your Trichomoniasis clears out the room.
Moby
"Everything Is Wrong"
Sometimes there’s so many issues you can’t sum it up in one sentence… or can you?
Doctor: “So, what’s wrong down there?”
You: “Everything. Everything is wrong.”
Pop Will Eat Itself
"Box Frenzy"
When that vagina is just out of fucking control.
Boy Harsher
"Careful"
Not so much slang as just good advice.
So, any you think I may have missed? Why not comment and let me know any album titles you would've liked to have seen included!
- Mark Anthony Finch